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GANDALF V.O:
In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Many ages ago when this
ancient planet was not quite so ancient, long before man recorded his
history, there was a time of Middle Earth when man shared his days with
elves, dwarves, wizards, goblins, dragons, and hobbits.
In the lands of Middle Earth, in an area known as the Shire, there was a
village named Hobbiton. There, in a hole in the ground, lived a Hobbit. Not
a nasty dirty wet hole, nor a dry bare sandy hole. It was a hobbit hole, and
that means comfort.

GANDALF
Bilbo Baggins?

BILBO
Ahh..yes.

GANDALF
I’m looking to hire a burglar.

BILBO
Burglar? I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place.

GANDALF
You mean that you do not wish to share in a grand adventure?

BILBO
Dear me, no. We hobbits are plain quiet folk. Adventures make one late for
dinner.

Lightening Strikes

GANDALF
Enough! I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me!

BILBO
Gandalf? Not the wandering wizard?

GANDALF
The same. Listen.

Dwarves approach

THORIN
Thorin and company at your service. Dwalin, Balin Kili, Fili, Dori, Nori, and
Ori. Oin sir and Gloin sir. Call him Bifur and him Bofir.

BOMBUR
And Bombur! at your service.

DWARVES
We are all at your service.

Inside hobbit hole at dinner

Dwarves singing: V.O.
Chip the glasses crack the plates
That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates
That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates
Carefully, carefully with the plates.

Blunt the knives and bend the forks
Smash the bottles, burn the corks
That’s what Blblo Baggins hates
So carefully carefully with the plates

BILBO
What do these dwarves want in Hobbiton?

GANDALF
They have come for tea. And for supper. And for you, Burglar Baggins.

Chorus:
Far over the misty mountains cold
Through dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away ere break of day

GANDALF
There’s a magic in that music

BILBO
And it moves through me.

GANDALF
You feel the love of beautiful things?

BILBO
To go and see the great mountains and hear the pine trees, and waterfalls,

GANDALF
To wear a sword instead of a walking stick.

BILBO
Just once.

Thorin pounds on table for attention

THORIN
Gandalf, Dwarves, and Burglar Baggins–

BILBO
What is this burglar business?

GANDALF
If you prefer, you can say ‘expert treasure hunter’ .

BILBO
Well yes, I do prefer that.

THORIN
We are met tonight in the house of our friend, this most excellent Hobbit.
May the hair on his toes never fall out.

ALL
Here! Here!

ALL raise glasses in toast

THORIN
We shall soon start on our long journey. Our object is, I take it, well
known to us? All of us?

BILBO
Well, ah.. it is not well known to me

THORIN
Really? Then we must inform our burglar. Ahem..we seek a treasure, that
which is rightfully ours. Far off in the East, beyond the Misty Mountains,
and the dark forest of Mirkwood, there you will find Lonely Mountain.

Dwarves are working inside the mountain kingdom

THORIN
Long ago, this was the home of my people, and was ruled by my grandfather
King Under the Mountain.

GANDALF V.O.
The dwarves or yore made mighty spells
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep where dark things sleep
In hollow halls beneath the fells

Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold where no man delves
There they lay long and many a song
Was sung unheard by man or elves

For ancient king and elvish lord
There many a gleaming hoard
They shaped and wrought and light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword

On siver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars on crowns they hung
The dragon fire on twisted wire
The meshed the light of moon and sun

THORIN
Undoubtedly all this wealth was what brought the dragon

Smaug attacks the Dwarven stronghold

GANDALF V.O.
The pines were roaring on the height
The winds were moaning in the night
The fire was red, the flaming spread
The trees like torches blazed with light

THORIN
And below us in the valley lay Dale, a town of mortals

Smaug is destroying the town of Dale

GANDALF V.O.
The bells were ringing in the dale
The men looked up with faces pale
The dragons ire more fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.

The mountain smoked beneath the moon
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom
They fled their hall to dying fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon

DWARVES V.O.
We must away ere break of day
To win our harps and gold from him

THORIN
Curses to the dragon. Curses to Smaug; he killed our men and stole our gold.

DWARVES
Curses to the dragon Smaug.

BILBO
Is this the adventure you’ve planned for me? To help you recapture the gold?

GANDALF
None other.

BILBO:
Ewwww..

GANDALF
There are thirteen of you, very unlucky. Mr. Baggins will make it fourteen.

BILBO
Ooohhhhh..

THORIN
A splendid lucky number you found for us.

GANDALF
No arguments. Let us have the contract.

BILBO takes contract from Gandalf

BILBO
To Burglar Baggins: Terms for your professional services. One fourteenth of
total profits; traveling expenses guaranteed; funeral expenses if necessary.
Sincerely, Thorin and Company. Funeral expenses!?!

THORIN
Do you find the terms acceptable?

BILBO
Uhh.

GANDALF
Of course he does.

BILBO
Uhh..but I.

GANDALF
And so tomorrow begins your greatest adventure.

Dwarves
Hooray!

Bilbo is in his bedroom at night

Chorus:
The greatest adventure is what lies ahead
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said
The chances the changes, are all yours to make
The mould of your life is in your hands to break

Title scenes

The greatest adventure is there if you’re bold
Let go of the moment that life makes you hold
The measure the meaning can make you delay
It’s time you stopped thinking and wasting the day

The man who’s a dreamer, and never takes leave
Who thinks of a world that is just make believe
Will never know passion, will never know pain
Who sits by the window and one day see rain

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said
The chances the changes, are all yours to make
The mould of your life is in your hands to break

The greatest adventure is what lies ahead

Dwarves, Gandalf and Bilbo travel with two ponies

BILBO
No hat, no stick, no pipe, not even a pocket handkerchief. How can one
survive? How did Gandalf get ahead of us, Bombur?

Group climbs mountainside in a storm

BOMBUR
He comes and goes at will. He is a wizard you know.

BILBO
Oh, bother burgling and everything to do with it.

GANDALF
Always remember Bilbo, when your heart wants lifting, think of
pleasant things.

BILBO
Eggs and bacon, good full pipe, my garden at twilight, cakes.

THORIN
We’ll camp here. Hence we can find a dry patch to sleep on. Our lookout
has spied something.

DWARF
Look. Trolls. Miserable no good robbing trolls.

BILBO
Where the duece is Gandalf?.

DWARF
Left us again, just when a wizard would have been most useful.

THORIN
No matter, we’ve an expert burglar with us.

BILBO
What have trolls to do with burglaring?

THORIN
We could use some of that meat they’re cooking.

BILBO
Oh, I say–

Thorin shoves Bilbo toward trolls.

THORIN
Burglar, do your burglaring.

Trolls sit around campfire eating meat

TOM
Blast, nothing but mutton to eat.

BERT
How I’d love for a bit of manflesh

BILBO
Bacon and eggs; my fireplace; hot chestnuts.

WILLIAM sees BILBO and grabs him

WILLIAM
What the blazes?

BILBO
Help, help, let em down, stop it, stop it

WILLIAM
What have we got here?

TOM
Let’s cook him and find out. Hahaha

WILLIAM
He wouldn’t make a mouthful.

BERT
But maybe there’s more where he came from

BILBO
Dwarves, I’m done for. Run for it.

Dwarves scatter for woods,

WILLIAM
Now that’s a supper

TOM
Let’s go get em all

All TROLLS
hahahahah

The Dwarves are captured

BERT
Let’s roast ’em

TOM
Nah. Boil ’em, says I

WILLIAM
Each to his own boys. There’s plenty for all. I likes mine raw.

All TROLLS
hahahahahah

GANDALF: V.O.
Dawn take you all and be stone to you.

Sun rises

TOM
The sun. Blasted!

BERT
How could the morning come so soon?

WILLIAM
We’re done for!

ALL TROLLS
Ahhhhhh

Trolls turn to stone

GANDALF
Excellent. One moment, one moment!

GANDALF frees the Dwarves.

THORIN
Where’s that bumbling burglar, lucky number indeed.

BILBO
Over here. Come see what I’ve found!

All go inside cave with troll treasure, food

GANDALF
Not bad, burglar, for your first attempt.

BILBO
Oh it was nothing, actually.

THORIN
Ah, we’ll keep these. Duecedly fine blades considering they were made by
trolls.

GANDALF
They don’t seem like troll blades to me. Probably stolen. See these strange
runes?

BILBO
Whatever are runes?

THORIN
Ancient writing. Mine has them too. (to GANDALF) Can you make them out?

GANDALF
I’m not familiar with these letters.

THORIN
Well, whoever made them, we’ve got them now. Cover up the treasure men.
We’ll fetch it on our return.

BILBO: (swinging small blade)
Take that, Smaug, you filthy worm!

GANDALF
I see you’ve also claimed a sword.

BILBO
Ah, yes, just a dagger, actually, but for one of my size it suffices.

Chorus:
The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.

THORIN
Hurry men we must be on our way.

GANDALF
Hold!

THORIN
Hold?

GANDALF
It is time for you to have this.

THORIN
And what may that be?

GANDALF (unfolding map)
This is a map of Lonely Mountain presented to me one hundred years ago by
your father

THORIN
What, why did it not come to me, the rightful heir?

GANDALF
I’ve chosen my own time to hand it over.

BILBO
Oh I do love maps. I have quite a collection.

THORIN
Bah! I remember the mountain well enough without this.

GANDALF
Indeed? And how do you intend to enter Smaug’s chamber? Through the main
gate as a house guest? You’d be ashes before you took your seventh step.

BILBO
Oh see, look. This hand points from these runes to– bless my soul– a
secret entrance. A hidden passage to the lower halls.

GANDALF
Excellent, Burglar.

BILBO
I’m really quite good with maps.

THORIN
Let me see. Yes. Quite correct.

BILBO
But has it remained a secret? All these years?

GANDALF
It’s too small for Smaug to use. And its covered by a door made to look exactly
like the side of the mountain. Here is the key (hands it to Thorin) Keep it
safe.

THORIN
Huh? But of course I will.

BILBO
But if the secret door is hidden how do we find it? The map doesn’t tell.

GANDALF
It does and it doesn’t.

BILBO
Huh?

GANDALF
You will understand in time.

Chorus:
Today and tomorrow are yet to be said.

Group looks down on Rivendell. Elves sing in the distance

GANDALF
Behold at last: Rivendell, the hidden valley of the Elves, where Elrond
dwells.

BILBO
Simply enchanting.

GANDALF
But we must be on.

BILBO
Pity. Elvish singing is not a thing to miss in June, under the stars. But…

ELVES (singing):
Oh tra la la lalley
Here down in the valley, haha
Oh where are you going, with beards all awagging
No knowing, no knowing, what brings Mister Baggins
And Balin and Dwalin in June in the valley haha

Group at large table having dinner with Elrond

GANDALF
My dear Elrond, your hospitality is magnificent. The food, the wine, the stories, the
music–

THORIN
Yes, but we’ve much to accomplish, you promised to have a look see at these
troll swords after our feast.

ELROND
Yes, yes of course. Well first of all, they’re not troll make. They must
have been stolen. They were made for the goblin wars. This sword, Thorin;
the runes name Orcrist the Goblin Cleaver.

GANDALF
And mine?

ELROND
Glamdring the Foe Hammer. Keep them well.

THORIN
I will keep this in honor.

ELROND
Now show me your map.

BILBO
I have it here

Elrond takes map to window and holds it up against the night sky
ELROND
Eh.. something strange. Yes indeed, there are moon letters here. See?

BILBO
What are moon letters?

ELROND
Runes that can only be seen when the moon shines behind them. They give
directions for finding the secret door. „Stand by the grey stone when the
thrush knocks. And the last light of the setting sun will shine upon the
keyhole“.

Group climbs mountain in storm.

THORIN
This way, shelter, a dry cave.

Group sits and eats inside cave with fire going.

THORIN
Now get some sleep men, we’ve found the perfect place to camp.

Bilbo dreams about the night before he left home

DWARVES
Chip the glasses crack the plates
That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates
That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates
So carefully carefully with the plates

BILBO V.O.
Dwarves have a strange notion of perfection. And where’s Gandalf? Gone
again. I wish I was a wizard.

Door opens behind Bilbo

BILBO
Hey? Hello what’s this? Look out! The ponies, the ponies, wake up, we’re
being robbed!

THORIN
The Goblins are upon us! Save the ponies from the goblins.

The GOBLINS sing as they capture BILBO and the DWARVES
Swish, Smack, whip crack!
Grip, Grab! Pinch, Nab!
You go my lad, ho ho my lad

Down down to Goblin town,
down down to Goblin town,

Thorin: „The Goblins have us!“

down down to Goblin town,
You go my lad, ho ho my lad

Goblins quaff, the Goblins beat
Goblins laugh, the Goblins bleat
Batter, yammer, whip and hammer, ho!
Below my lad, ho ho my lad

Down down to Goblin town,
down down to Goblin town,
down down to Goblin town,
You go my lad, ho ho my lad
Dwarves and Bilbo stand in the great hall before the throne of
the King Goblin

GOBLIN KING
Who are these miserable persons?

THORIN
Thorin at your service. We did not mean to trespass. We were meerly seeking
shelter from the storm.

GOBLIN
He is a liar, Oh Truly Tremendous One. Ask him to explain his weapon. This
sword is named Orcist the Goblin Cleaver.

GOBLIN KING
Aaaargh!!! Murderers, elf friends.

Goblin King climbs off his throne and lunges at Thorin.

GANDALF V.O.
Stop!

Fire flashes from Gandalf’s staff and his sword appears

GOBLIN KING
I know that sword it’s called Glamdring the Foe Hammer, nooooo

GOBLIN KING is slain

BILBO
Gandalf, good old Gandalf!

GANDALF
Follow me, quickly!

Group runs, Bilbo at the back, all chased by goblins

GANDALF
Through here, follow me

Bilbo falls off a cliff

DORI
Bilbo, he’s gone. Bilbo? Where are you?

Gollum on his island.

GOLLUM
Gollum! Gollum! Gollum, my precious. It is my precious, oh my precious.
Bless us and splash us. Food for my precious!

BILBO
Eggs and bacon, and boots all polished, warm muffins and sweet butter

Bilbo rolls down hill and splashes into water

GOLLUM
What is that noise, my precious? My precious does not know.

Bilbo feels around and finds something and holds it up, a ring.

BILBO
Bless my soul. Hello, what’s this? Hm, nice souvenir to show the neighbors back home, if I ever get home. (sees Gollum) Oh, who are you?

GOLLUM
Bless us, my precious. A tasty morsel it would make us, what is it. my
precious?

BILBO
I am Mr. Bilbo Baggins. I’ve lost my dwarves, my wizard and my way.

GOLLUM
Gollum gollum.

BILBO
Mind you I’m armed with an elvish blade. That’s better. Perhaps you know the
way out?

GOLLUM
Perhaps. But perhaps we sit here and chats with it for a bitsy, my precious? It
likes riddles?

BILBO
Do I like riddles? Well yes, after a fashion

GOLLUM
It must have a competition with us. If precious asks and it doesn’t answer,
we eats it, my precious.

BILBO
Oh I say.

GOLLUM
But if it asks us, and we doesn’t answer, then we shows it the way out.

BILBO
It seems I have no choice.

GOLLUM
My precious. we makes the first riddle

Voiceless it cries
Wingless flutters
Toothless bites
Mouthless mutters

Can it guess the answer?

BILBO
Half a moment.

GOLLUM
Is it nice, my precious? Is it juicy, gooey,
yucky, is it scrumptous?

BILBO
If you please. Wind, Wind is the answer. Whew. Now my turn.

A box without hinges key or lid
Yet golden treasure inside is hid

GOLLUM
Let us give us a chance, my precious. Ahh eggs, eggs it is.

BILBO
Oh bother.

Chorus:

It cannot be seen cannot be felt
cannot be heard cannot be smelt
It lies behind stars and under hills
And empty holes it fills
It comes first and follows after
Ends life kills laughter
The answer is dark. The dark

GOLLUM
Us now! Us, my precious

BILBO
I’m aquiver with anticipation.

GOLLUM
This thing alls things devours
Birds beasts trees flowers
Gnaws iron, bites steel
Grinds hard stones to meal
Slays king ruins town
And beats high mountian down

BILBO
Hm, well interesting. Yes now, let me see.

GOLLUM
What does it answer, what does it answer?

BILBO
Just a moment now.

GOLLUM
Now my precious, will it taste delicious, yes it will.

BILBO
Give me some time.

GOLLUM
What what does it say?

BILBO
I said time, time.

GOLLUM
Ahh! Huh huh

BILBO
Whatever is the matter?

GOLLUM
It guessed time is the answer .

BILBO
It is? Oh I knew it all along. That’s an old one. Well fun’s fun,
now couldn’t we get out of here?

GOLLUM
No it’s got to ask us another riddle, my precious, yes, yes.

BILBO
Oh blast, I can’t think of another one

GOLLUM
Ask, ask.

BILBO
Oh very well. What have I got in my pocket?

GOLLUM
Not fair, not fair, to ask the precious what its gots in its nasty little
pocketeses!

BILBO
I’m sorry, that’s my riddle. If you can’t get it you lose and show me out.

GOLLUM
Ooh oooh oooh my precious, it loses. Ohh. But first my precious shows
it something pretty

BILBO
You wish to show me something?

GOLLUM
My birthday present

Gollum swims toward his island cave, rummages through it.

BILBO
Wait where are you going?

GOLLUM
My precious finds a ring on his birthday long ago, a golden ring, a magic ring
We must get our precious from its hiding place!

BILBO
Now what? He’ll never guess my pockets contain this .

GOLLUM
Aaaaaaaaaarh

BILBO
Bless my soul.

GOLLUM
Where is it, where is it, my golden ring, my magic ring, lost, lost, my
curse us and crush! My ring lost. My precious remembers, we wears it before and we dropped it on the shore, precious, precious! the Baggins he found it. My ring, my birthday present.

BILBO
My, he does carry on

Bilbo slips on ring turns invisible

BILBO
Bless my soul

Takes off ring turns visible

BILBO
The ring.

Puts ring on turns invisible

BILBO
Yes most definitely.

Gollum returns to Bilbo

GOLLUM
My precious. He find it! The Baggins. My Precious. My precious!

BILBO
Better douse this.

GOLLUM
Where is it? It is tricksy, it says it doesn’t know the way out, but it knows
the way in, my precious, it must know the way out, aha it’s off to the back
door my precious, much make haste to the back door, yes, yes, the back door .

GOLLUM runs by invisible Bilbo

BILBO
How convenient! Well, follow the leader .

Bilbo slips ring off turns visible then back on turns invisible.

GOLLUM
Its not here my precious, it escaped, it escaped, ohh ohhh.

BILBO
Ta ta

BILBO slips through door.

GOLLUM
Thief, thief, Baggins, we hates, hates it forever!

BILBO meets up with GANDALF and the others outside.

BILBO
You see, Gollum thought I knew the way out and was trying to head me off. I
merely followed him to the exit.

THORIN
We had to fight our way through the goblin guard. How is it they didn’t see
you?

BILBO
Oh well the art of burgling is really, you know, the art of being
unobtrusive, invisible, so to speak.

GANDALF
Your story Bilbo, has the ring of truth, yes it rings true. You need say no
more. We’d best get a move on. There are still goblins about.

BILBO
Oh bother, more mountains?

GANDALF
No, don’t you see the sun is setting in the west. Behind the mountains.
We’re on the other side, to the edge of the land beyond.

At night, the wargs howl.

THORIN
Wargs!

GANDALF
With the goblins.

WARGS
Fifteen birdss in five fir trees.
Their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze.
But funny little birds they had no wings.
O what shall we do with the funny little things.
O what shall we do with the funny little things.

Roast em alive or stew em in a pot.
Fry them boil them and eat them hot.
Bake em and toast em fry em and roast em.
Till beards blaze and and eyes glaze.
Till hair smells and skins crack .
Fat melts and bones black .
In cinders lie beneath the sky .
So dwarves shall die.

Fifteen birds in five fir trees.
Their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze.
But funny little birds they had no wings.
O what shall we do with the funny little things.
O what shall we do with the funny little things.

BALIN
Help

DORI
No!

BOMBUR
We can’t go any higher

GANDALF stands up tall atop a tree, eagles come pick up a dwarf each and fly
away. BILBO is hanging from DORI’s legs

BILBO
Oh my arms!

DORI
My poor legs, my legs!

BILBO
What will they do with us, drop us to our deaths.

DORI
Who knows but they’ve brought us a far distance with no dropping. Behold
the River of Wilderland [Anduin River] below. By thunder! They’re taking us to the edge of Mirkwood Forest.

BILBO
To dash us against those rocks, I know it.

Eagles deposit group on ground.

GANDALF
Oh great Lord of the Eagles we are eternally grateful for your gallant
rescue.

EAGLE
I have not forgotten the arrow that brought me down so many years ago. I
have not forgotten the wizard who found me and healed my wound. And now
farewell wherever you fare ’til your eyrie receive you at the journey’s end.

BILBO
So this is the Forest of Mirkwood.

THORIN
Terrible place if I remember. And dangerous.

GANDALF
Now now. The map shows the safest path. Follow it closely straight through
the forest. Don’t stray off the track, if you do you will never get out of Mirkwood.

THORIN
You speak as if you weren’t going with us.

GANDALF
I’m not. I have pressing business away south.

BOMBUR
Oh no, he can’t mean it

DORI
What will we do without Gandalf?

BALIN
Please don’t leave us.

GANDALF
Now now, I’m already late because of bothering with you people. I’m sending
Mr Baggins with you. That should be enough.

BALIN
Mr. Baggins?

DORI
Bilbo?

BOMBUR
The burglar?

BILBO
Me? I’m no equal to a wizard.

GANDALF
Nonsense, you are the lucky number. And soon you will find out there’s more
about you than you guess.

Chorus

The chances, the changes are all yours to make

GANDALF
You sir will be my surrogate, my replacement so to say. Here’s paper and a
marker, keep a strict log of the remainder of your journey, so I may study
it when we meet again, and point out your missteps.

BILBO
I can only do my best.

GANDALF
Then that will have to suffice.

Chorus:
The mould of your life is in your hands to break.

Bilbo writes in his diary to Gandalf.

BILBO V.O.
To Gandalf. As per your instructions I am keeping this log of our journey through
Mirkwood Forest. I shall make good use of it someday as a basis for my
memoirs, which I intend to call ‘There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Holiday’.

Chorus:
Roads go ever, ever on
Over rock and under tree
By caves where never sun has shown
By streams that never find the sea

BILBO V.O.
The days are terrible and the nights are impossible, for we are hungry and
thirsty. The berries which grow here are hideous.

black night with eyes everywhere

BILBO V.O.
Everything about these woods is unpleasant. One day we decided someone
should climb to the top of the tallest tree and have a look about. I
couldn’t argue, my contract is vague on several points.

Bilbo climbs a tree.

Chorus
Over snow by winter sown
And through merry clouds of June
Over grass and over stone
Under the mountains in the moon

BILBO V.O.
There are moments that can change a person for all time, and I suddenly
wondered if I would ever see my snug hobbit hole again. I wondered if I
actually wanted to.

Chorus:
Let go of the moment that life makes you hold

BILBO V.O.
I awoke the next morning to a hideous surprise.

BILBO cuts himself free from a web, then he stabs a spider closing in on him

BILBO
(to his sword) now I will give you a name. And I shall call you Sting. V.O.
The remainder of the morning was spent in seeking my companions. And I found
them, finally, in a place as black and terrible as a patch of midnight that
had never been cleared away.

Dwarves are hanging from trees in webs surrounded by spiders

SPIDER
They’ll make fine eating, ahahah, when they’ve hung a bit.

Spider pokes a webbed hanging dwarf.

BOMBUR
Ahhh go away. Go away!

BILBO
Bombur! I cetainly could not let my companions, my comrads, become a meal
for those hideous spiders, action was called for.

BILBO slips on ring turns invivisble, throws a stone and then
cuts free the dwarves

BILBO
Now you are all free. I know the spiders’ poisons have made you weak, but
you must follow me. Quickly.

Group runs with spiders behind.

SPIDER
Look on the path ahead. There it is! It has freed our supper. Now we see
you. We will eat you and leave your skin hanging in the tree. Grab it!!

BILBO
I think I can hold them off. Run to the wood elves’ clearing

THORIN
But how could you?

BILBO
I will do the stinging. Run swiftly now.

SPIDER
We’re getting closer now. It can’t escape us!

Bilbo puts on ring and turns invisible.

BILBO
Lazylob, attercrop.

SPIDER
Ah, blast. What is it, what is it called?

BILBO
Sting, Sting, Sting!

SPIDER
Retreat! We are no match for Sting.

Spiders run away and Bilbo sheaths Sting, takes off ring turns visible.

BILBO V.O.
I joined my companions at the clearing of the woodelves. But when I found them
I was in for another surprise. The woodelves had returned, but armed for
battle. The dwarves, weakened as they were by their encounter with the
spiders, gave up without a struggle.

BILBO puts on ring turns invisible, follows elves and dwarves

BILBO V.O.
We traveled all day and into the night. Finally we came to the palace of the
Elf king, which was at the very eastern edge of the forest. We’d come all
the way through only to end up as prisoners.

Elves, dwarves and invisible Bilbo go into palace, door slams behind them.
They stand before the ELVEN KING on his throne

ELVEN KING
Why did you dwarves try to attack?

THORIN
No attack. We came to beg, we were starving.

ELVEN KING
And why were you in the forest in the first place?

THORIN
That is our business.

ELVEN KING
Very well, take them away until they feel inclined to tell the truth, even
if they wait a hundred years.

BILBO V.O.
Greed. The fortune we were after was big enough to share with the elves.
They’d make valuable allies against that old worm Smaug.

Elves shove dwarves into prisons, door to main dungeon slams and locks

BILBO V.O.
Instead they became the enemy and we were their prisoners. And even though my
invisibility allowed me to move about with ease I had no way of opening the
locks. So it was weeks before I found a way to free my companions. Part of
the river flowed under the caves.

The men of Dale load barrels into the river

BILBO V.O.
Deliveries of fine wines were brought up the river by human men who lived on
Long Lake. Now wood elves enjoy their wine and the barrels were soon
drained.
Three elves sit at table in king’s cellar, then semi drunken elf kicks
barrel into water.
Chorus
Heave ho bang bump
Rolling down the hole
Heave ho bang bump
Rolling down the hole

Invisible Bilbo takes keys off sleeping elf. The dwarves’ prison cells stand
open and empty.

Men of DALE
Heave, ho, splash, pump
Rolling down the hole
Heave, ho, splash, pump
Roll, roll, rolling down the hole
Down the dark swift stream you go
Back to lands you once did know

Dwarves in barrels drift down the river, Bilbo rides atop one.

THORIN
Why am I stashed in a barrel?

BILBO
Oh stop complaining, I never promised to burgle you first class accomodation.

Song continues:
Where the forest wide and dim
Stoops in shadow grey and grim

Heave, ho, splash, pump,
Rolling down the hole,
Heave, ho, splash, pump,
Roll, roll, rolling down the hole

Down the swift dark stream you go,
Back to lands you once did know
Float beyond the world of trees
Out into the whispering breeze

Heave, ho, splash, pump,
Rolling down the hole,
Heave, ho, splash, pump,
Roll, roll, roll, roll
Roll, roll, roll…
Roll, roll, rolling down the hole

BILBO V.O.
The Lonely Mountain. I’d come far and through many adventures to see it and now I did not like the looks of it at all. Within hours, we’d reached the human colony of Laketown, a precise if not too imaginative name for the village was actually built on the surface of Long Lake. Here the descendants of the men of Dale still dared to dwell and do business in the shadow of old Smaug’s mountain.

Men pull the barrels out of the water, a barrel is hauled onto the deck
and it breaks open revealing THORIN. He raises his head blearily and speaks
before he goes unconscious:

THORIN
I am Thorin, grandson of King under the Mountain. I have returned.

MEN OF DALE SING
The streams shall run in gladness
The lakes shall shine and burn
All sorrow fail and sadness
At the Mountain King’s return

Dwarves and men stand in village square.

BARD
Hail, Thorin Oakenshield. I am Bard the guardsman, we are honored by your
presence. Your grandfather lives in our songs and legends. What help we can
offer will be yours. And we trust to your gratitude when the dragon
Smaug is killed and your kingdom is regained.

ALL
Hail!!

MEN
All sorrow fail and sadness
At the Mountain King’s return

BILBO V.O.
We were fed, fattenned, given supplies, and two weeks later found us nearing
the end of our journey. And chances were, it would be a very horrible end
indeed.

At Lonely Mountain:

BILBO
Oh. That smell. I’ve not smelled dragon before.

BALIN
All the halls within must be filled with his foul reek.

BILBO V.O.
And while Smaug slept inside, we spent our days searching for that elusive
secret door. Then one afternoon… And so Gandalf while I wait and inscribe
the final pages of your log, my only companion is an annoying bird cracking
snails .

Elrond’s voice while the bird cracks snails.

ELROND V.O.
Stand by the grey stone when the thrush knocks and the last light of the
setting sun will shine upon the keyhole

Bird flies away and a ray of setting sun shines and the keyhole is revealed
to Bilbo.

BILBO
Oh my goodness. Wake up, wake up, its happening.

THORIN
By thunder.

BILBO
There it is. Thorin, before its gone again, use your key.

THORIN inserts key and the door opens

BALIN
Well, here we are.

BOMBUR
But what now?

THORIN
Now is the time to for our esteemed Mr Baggins to perform the service for
which he was included in our company.

BILBO
Me?

THORIN
You must earn your reward. We do have a contract.

BILBO
You think its my job to go in first? I’ve already gotten you out of two
messes not in the original bargain. And who will come with me? Any of you? I
see.

THORIN
Well? You are the burglar. Go down and burgle something.

BILBO
Very well. I won’t refuse.

BALIN
Good luck.

BILBO
Thank you. I’ve begun to trust my luck more than in the old days.

Bilbo goes into the tunnel alone.

BILBO V.O.
Now you’re in for it at last Bilbo Baggins. Why are you here. You have no
use for dragon treasures.

Chorus
To measure the meaning to make you delay.

BILBO V.O.
Feel the worm’s heat, Mr Baggins? A few more steps and you shall see the old
dragon Smaug at last. You can still turn back, you know. But to go on, to
take those steps. That would be the bravest of all moments. What ever happens
afterwards is nothing. Yes, here is where you fight your real battle Mr.
Bilbo Baggins. Do you go back?

Chorus
It’s time you stopped thinking and wasting the day.

BILBO
No.

Bilbo approaches the door to Smaug’s chamber. A little bird has joined him.
Smaug can be heard snoring. Bilbo walks into room and picks up a goblet.
Smaug awakens. and Bilbo slips on the ring. Smaug scans room.

SMAUG
Well thief? I smell you, feel your air. And I hear your breath. Come along,
help yourself, there’s plenty and to spare.

BILBO
Oh thank you, Oh Smaug the Magnificant. I did not come for presents. I only
wished to have a look at you to see if you are truly as great as tales say.
I did not believe them.

SMAUG
Hmm, do you now?

BILBO
They fall utterly short of reality. Oh Smaug the Chiefest and Greatest of
Calamities.

SMAUG
You have nice manners for a thief and liar. You know me, but I don’t
remember smelling you before. Who are you and where do you come from?

BILBO
I come from under the hill and under the hill, and over the hills my paths
have led, and through the air. I am he that walks unseen.

SMAUG
You make riddles? What is your name?

BILBO
I am the lucky number, the Web Cutter, the Spider Stinger.

SMAUG
Lovely titles.

BILBO
I am he that drowns his friends and draws them alive again from the water. I
am the Guest of Eagles, the Ring Winner and the Luck Wearer, the Clue Finder
and the Barrel Rider.

SMAUG
Barrel rider eh? Then I have guessed your riddle. You are one of those
miserable tub-thumping Lakemen. You and your town shall pay dearly for this
intrusion. So the Lakemen would steal my treasure.

BILBO
Wait, you don’t know everything. Not gold alone brought me hither.

SMAUG
Be done with your riddles, what else brought you, Lakeman?

BILBO
Revenge.

SMAUG
Revenge?

BILBO
Surely you must realize that your success has made you some bitter enemies.

SMAUG
Hah hah hah revenge? You? Hah! I am Smaug! I kill when I wish, I am Strong.
Strong. Strong! My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are like
swords,my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings are a
hurricane, and my breath… DEATH. Well? Where are your riddles now ?

BILBO
Very very impressive. However, I uh… I have always understood that dragons were
soft underneath, vulnerable, especially in the region of the chest.

SMAUG
You have heard wrong. I am armored both above and below.

BILBO
Well, I don’t know about that.

SMAUG
You don’t know about that. I shall show you.

Smaug thumps onto his back exposing his belly.

SMAUG
Look! What do you say to this, rare and wonderful eh?

BILBO
Dazzling, marvelous, perfect, flawless, stagering. Mag..(lowers his voice)
old fool, thre’s a patch in the hollow of your left breast as bare as a
snail out of its shell.

SMAUG
Eh? What’s that? More riddles?

BILBO
No, my riddling is done. I really must not detain your Magnificance any
longer. Sorry you could not find me. But a fine burglar takes expert
catching.

Bilbo takes off ring and is visible to Smaug. He holds goblet up in the air,
Smaug blasts fire at Bilbo but misses him and his flying friend.

SMAUG
Take fire burglar.

Bilbo flees the tunnel, where the Dwarves await at the other end, fearing the worst

DORI
We should have gone with him.

THORIN
To be roasted alive?

BALIN
It’s the burglar!

DORI
Three cheers for good old Bilbo!

BILBO
Thank you, but I’d appreciate a more pragmatic salute. In other words,
extinguish me!

Thorin smothers the flames on Bilbo.

THORIN
There we go, there we go. Always glad to help a friend.

BILBO
I can’t tell you how grateful I am.

THORIN
Oh never mind that, what did you burgle?

BILBO
This.

Bilbo holds up goblet.

Smaug emerges from his hall and flies around, breathes smoke on the party
and they flee inside.

BALIN
What’s that?

BOMBUR
Earthquake?

BILBO
Into the secret passage, our only chance.

SMAUG
Barrel rider, thieving Lakemen, your people shall see my vengeance!

BILBO
The lakepeople are doomed unless… yes you, you are a mere thrush and yet so
much more. You have seen Smaug. You know his vulnerable spot. Go now to
Laketown. There is a guardsman Bard. Tell him.

Bard and a companion are standing by the lake.

BARD
This breeze is strangely warm, for autumn.

VILLAGER
Bard, what’s that?

BARD
The dragon is coming, or I’m a fool. Cut the bridges! To arms! To arms!

VILLAGER
The dragon.

VILLAGER 2
Old Smaug.

VILLAGER
Awake after all these years

VILLAGER
the dragon is coming!

Smaug flies toward the village. Bard is ready with archers.

BARD
Ready. As he passes over, arrows! Stand your ground, rearm.

Everyone flees but him, Bard stands alone and is ready to fire an arrow,
the little thrush comes up to him.

BARD
Away you fool bird. Away! You speak? Eh? Bilbo Baggins? He found what? Yes.
I’ll look. So, you speak the truth old thrush. Black arrow, you’ve never
failed me and I’ve always recovered you. I’ve had you from my father and he
from of old. If ever you came from the forges of the true king under the
mountain, go now and speed well.

The black arrow finds Smaug’s one vulnerable spot and the dragon falls dead
in the water. A week later, back at the mountain, dwarves are laughing in the main hall.

Chorus
Under the mountain dark and tall
The king has come into his hall

DORI
Now I am king.

THORIN
Bah, there is only one king under the mountain, and I am he, Thorin.

DWARVES
Hail Thorin!

DORI
Hip hip!

DWARVES
Horray!

THORIN
Now, now there is haha, much to be done. We must. we must catalogue our wealth… dear me, and pack it for shipment. Hahaha! Join the fun, burglar, part
of this is yours.

BILBO
Might be mine, what if Smaug returns?

THORIN
Ah, he’s been gone for a week now. Found greener pastures no doubt.

BILBO
Has this wealth made you mad? We must find our way out of this mountain, and
see for ourselves if he’s gone, and quickly. According to this map the
main gate lies in this direction. Follow me, gentlemen.

They stand outside the main gate overlooking the valley.

DWARF
Bless my soul what are they?

THORIN
Is the entire valley floor populated by giant fireflies?

BILBO
Not firelies, fires. Campfires.

THORIN
Nonsense, only an army would need that many fires.

A man climbs up over battlemrent

BARD
No my friend, two armies.

DWARVES
Two?

THORIN
Bard of Laketown? What did you say?

BARD
Two armies. Smaug is dead. I have slain him. The thrush delivered your
message.

BILBO
Really? Splendid news, old fellow. I hoped he would.

BARD
My people have made me king.

BILBO
King? Really? Congratulations! Couldn’t happen to a nicer chap, really. I
don’t know how to thank you.

BARD
Our town is destroyed and must be rebuilt. You can thank us by sharing your
fortune.

BILBO
Why of course, of course, there’s plenty for all.

THORIN
Wait! The fortune is ours and belongs to dwarves alone.

BARD
It wouldn’t be yours if Smaug still lived.

THORIN
A technicality. So you brought two armies to take it, eh?

BARD
I brought one army.

ELVEN KING
The other is mine.

THORIN
You, who threw us into the dungeon?

ELVEN KING
My people have suffered greatly from the war through the years. We demand
retribution.

THORIN
Never.

BILBO
But why not? There’s enough for all in this mountain.

THORIN
It’s a matter of principle. Of honor.

ELVENKING
Then tomorrow we take it.

BARD
We will meet at sunrise on the field of battle. You realize you are
hopelessly outnumbered.

BILBO
This is ridiculous.

THORIN
Quiet, what does a burglar know of these matters? Then tomorrow it is.

Chorus
The dragon is withered
His holds are now crumbled
His armor is shrivered
His might is now humbled

Back on the mountain:

BILBO
This is deucedly uncomfortable. I’m certain to get a rash.

THORIN
That armor was forged in the foundaries of my grandfather. Wear it proudly and
it will carry you to victory.

BILBO
Confusticate and be bothered victory. My only hope is to be taken prisoner
as quickly as possible.

THORIN
Those are the words of a coward.

BILBO
The coward who flushed out Smaug, the coward who saved you time and time
again? The coward who always went forward while you cringed behind?

THORIN
You don’t see us cringing now do you?

BILBO
This is madness. Fourteen against ten thousand? And yet you march off to
certain destruction as merrily as if you were on your way to another tea party.

THORIN
Your kind will never understand war, Hobbit. This is war! War! Our lookout
has spied something.

BALIN
Oh great King under the Mountain.

BILBO
Balin, it’s only Thorin

THORIN
Quiet. Yes General?

BILBO
General?

BALIN
Another army approaches from the northeast, an army of our kind. An
army of dwarves.

THORIN
My cousin Dain from the Iron Hills?

BALIN
None other.

THORIN
Hah! Now we are not outnumbered. Now we have an army.

BILBO
A battle of three armies?

THORIN
To war!

Battlefield the next morning

BARD
Onward!

THORIN
Forward!

ELVEN KING
To battle!

LAKEMEN
Thieving Dwarves, thieving dwarves. Kill them! Chop them. Take their heads!
DWARVES
Kill the men, kill the elves, save the gold for ourselves.

BILBO
Personally I’d rather be back in Hobbition.

[Note: JW here. This is interesting in that Bilbo actually says this to the camera. THANK GOD, nobody in Peter Jackson’s movies turns to the camera to throw the audience a one liner! Okay, back to the movie.]

BARD
Who’s that old man?

ELVEN KING
Get out of the way.

THORIN
Move, you old fool.

Old man stands in middle of field.

GANDALF
Old fool?

BILBO
Gandalf!

GANDALF
Halt! I would speak with the kings.

The three kings move into center clearing with Gandalf.

GANDALF
Dread has come upon you all. An army of goblins with claim to the treasure
comes from the north. Behold.

Over the hills come orcs on wargs.

GANDALF
They ride on wolves.

THORIN
Oh great Elf king, my truest friend and ally ,we must join our forces against
this common scourge.

ELVEN KING
But of course, oh noble king under the mountain. Your people are like brothers
unto mine.

BARD
And my men and all their weapons are as one with yours. Together we will
vanquish the foul foes.

THREE LEADERS
Together!

Bilbo removes his armor.

BILBO
Thorin is correct. I simply do not understsand war.

Four armies clash in the center of the battlefield, Bombar goes down. Bilbo
sits on a tree nearby and observes.

BILBO
A battle of four armies? One, two, three, yes four.

Three kings meet on a hilltop

ELVEN KING
Our cause is hopeless, the goblins are too powerful.

BARD
But we’ll spill much of their blood before the day is finished.

THORIN
If these be our last moments, men, let us live them with honor.

GANDALF
Hold, all is not lost. The goblins have many enemies. There is yet still
another army on the way.

THORIN
The Eagles.

BILBO
Five armies now? Mr. Bilbo Baggins, enough is enough.

Bilbo puts on his ring and turns invisible. Eagles fly into battle and take
goblins. Much later, Bombur falls beside Bilbo, who takes off his ring and goes to
Bombur’s side.

BILBO
Bombur, you’re hurt.

BOMBUR
I still live. And you?

BILBO
A slight wound, crack on the head. Out for hours. What happened?

BOMBUR
We won.

Bombur drops back dead.

GANDALF
Bombur gone, too?

BILBO
Of our original thirteen, how many are left?

GANDALF
Seven.

BILBO
And Thorin?

GANDALF
Soon will be only six.

They enter Thorin’s tent, Thorin is on his bed.

GANDALF
I have brought him.

THORIN
Farewell. good thief. I wish to part in friendship, and would take back my
words at the gate.

BILBO
There were many words I would take back also.

THORIN
And does it take this to make us to see each other?

BILBO
Thorin…

THORIN
Hush. You are no coward, my friend, I am sorry I so named you.

BILBO
This is not important.

THORIN
I was wrong. You did understand war. It was I who did not until now.

BILBO
Farewll, King Under the Mountain.

THORIN
Child of the kindly West, I have come to know, if more of us valued your
ways, food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But
sad or merry, I must leave it now. Farewell.

BILBO
Farewell, Thorin.

Thorin dies.

Gandalf and Bilbo, departing, walk with a pony

GANDALF
You take only two tiny bags of gold home with you? Your share was greater.

BILBO
It’s all my pony could carry. And it’s more than I’ll ever need.

GANDALF
But you have other prizes.

BILBO
The ring? Oh yes. I’ll keep it as a souvenir in a glass box on the mantle.

GANDALF
And so the prophecies of old have come true. Smaug is gone. And the
goblins driven away. The dwarves and elves live in peace. And the men
thrive, multiply and build a civilization.

BILBO
Prophecy hmph.

GANDALF
What?

BILBO
I had a hand in all that.

GANDALF
Surely you don’t disbelieve the prophecies because you helped bring them
about? You don’t really suppose, do you, that all your adventures and
escapes were managed by mere luck? Just for your sole benefit? You’re a very
fine person Mr. Baggins and I’m very fond of you, but you’re only quite a
little fellow in a wide world after all.

BILBO
AH.. Thank goodness.

GANDALF
Yes, you’ll return to your home, place your souvenir ring on your mantel,
publish your story which you believe has come to its end.

BILBO
What do you mean believe it has come to an end? It has, hasn’t it?

GANDALF
Oh Bilbo Baggins, if you really understood that ring, someday members of
your family not yet born, will. Then you’D realize that this story has
not ended, but is only beginning!

The End
Or only just the beginning?